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Emotions

I sit here today and my emotions are all over the place. For any that are not aware I am having to take medication for a skin condition that effects the bottom of my foot. I know TMI right. Unfortunately, in order to clear it, I take a low dosage of a chemo pill.  While it appears to be helping my foot, the amount of pain my body is enduring during these treatments has been excruciating. I take the dosage on Wednesday morning and by Thursday I can’t move. That is one of the emotions for today.

I will add this, anyone that has to endure chemo at higher dosages has my utmost respect. I cant imagine the pain and you have all my prayers.  

So maybe pain isn’t an emotion, but pain creates emotions. It is a mix between fear, frustration and uncertainty. My blood feels like it is on fire when I imagine what the chemicals are doing inside my body. It makes me wonder about the long term damage that may be done.  My stomach hardens as the frustration takes hold. My body is fighting my body and am desperate to have it return to normal. No pain in my foot, my bones just normal.  Then the uncertainty the tears stream down wondering if all of this will fix the initial problem. Am I doing the right thing treating it this way. Despite the actual physical pain, my mind wanders and my heart aches to get everything resolved.

{Insert sigh here}

Okay if you’re still with me, my emotions went over the top today. In a good way.  The reason I explained and rambled above it to show that the toll all of this has taken on my body has made me question everything writing related.

(I Know, I know. No ninja butt kicking needed. Please already hurting)

But today I received a request for a full copy of my manuscript. With words like  “I think this sounds great. I’d love to read this!” “Thank you I’m excited to read.” Now without all of the emotions listed above, I get to add elation.

I swooped in, lifted my heart and soul. I completely broke down in tears, but this time, happy tears. Hopeful tears. Calming tears.

I don’t know where the request will go but with my emotions heightened, it shows me the thrill of why I write.  Not for the rejections but for the possibilities of sharing my story.  It is the same elation when I get notes back from a beta reader. Saying that I kept them up at night to finish, am I writing more.  The wonderful support I have received by the selected few that read my story. Telling me they believe in me and they are in love with my story.

The last emotion is yes, you guessed. Love. You heart explodes with joy. For me, I have fallen back in love with my story and am now excited for November.  50,000 Words first draft for the second part of my story. For the first time the medication will not beat me. I will finish it and I will reach my goals, because I really want to feel accomplishment ( Okay Satisfaction would be that emotion but hey, I can make my own rules.

 

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